Mark & Mary Alice

Another Question from Love Songs:

What, with your experience with couples, do you feel is the most important key to a long happy marriage?

Unconditional love.

Long marriages are not always happy. This is a reality because life is not always happy. Living life as partners means you love on the good days and you love on the not-so-good days. You love when you don’t “feel like” loving. You love when your love is not reciprocated. You love when the future looks good and you love when it looks like there is no future.

It’s no accident that the marriage vows are about promising unconditional love. For the last several years, Mark has been using marriage vows based on 1 Corinthians 13. He wrote these vows for a special ceremony at NewSpring that took place back in 2004. Over 30 couples were on the platform as we recited these vows to our spouses in chorus. Since that day, almost every couple Mark has married has requested these vows. If you read 1 Corinthians 13 in the New Living Translation, you’ll recognize these words.

By the grace of God’s Holy Spirit, I will be patient and kind to you. Because I love you, I won’t demand my own way, or hold past faults against you. I will be loyal to you, always faithful from my heart. I will always believe the best about you. I will always defend you. My love for you will never end.

One of the questions that came in during the Love Songs series:

You said we as women are called to respect! Your husband is a godly man following biblical values! But you as the women find it hard to show respect! How?

First of all, we women need to remember that our “nature” is not to respect, it is to control (see Genesis 3). One of the first strategies to gain control, is to assume a superior position. I believe that is why so many women systematically dismantle their husband’s self-esteem. She is quick to point out each of his faults and failures and trumpet her own successes. A woman may say — even to herself — that she is providing constructive criticism to make her husband and their marriage better, but in reality this behavior is very destructive to both.

Back to the question, “How do you respect?” My answer would be that you choose to respect. Make a decision to stop looking for faults, stop all criticism (contructive or not) and start building up each attribute or action you see in your husband that you admire. Look hard for every positive thing and express admiration and gratitude sincerely and often.

Mary Alice

If you’re a NewSpringer you know this already, but for those of you who may not get to attend, in the current series, Love Songs, people are texting me questions during the talk. At the end of each service I answer some of the most frequently asked, but unfortunately, I only get to a handful. For the next few days, Mary Alice and I are going to try to tackle some of the others.  Today, I’m going to take a crack at one of my favorites.

To set it up, in the first talk, I warned guys about making unfavorable comparisons of their wives to other women.  I guess that prompted this one…

 How do you handle the situation when the woman he constantly compares you to is his mother?

Bet your first inclination is to pack him up and drop him off at her door, but before it comes to that, try to help him see three things that he’s not getting.

1. I doubt he realizes how painful this is for you.  There’s nothing wrong with him remembering some positive quality his mother possesses, but when he uses that quality to show you up, he’s no longer honoring his mom, he’s inflicting damage on you.  Let him know, not in an accusative tone, but in an instructive way that his words hurt! 
2. Guys sometimes get the idea that the way to inspire their wives is to point out other women who are doing something better.  Most guys have no idea how much pressure women put on themselves to measure up favorably to other women, and when the man whom they look to for comfort makes them feel inadequate, it has a devastating effect.  Help him understand  that kind of unfavorable comparison doesn’t inspire you, it makes you feel like shutting down.
3. The obvious.  You’re not his mom. You’re his wife.  She may have strengths you don’t have, you have strengths she doesn’t, but that’s not the main point. The first thing the Bible says about marriage is in Genesis 2:24. God says a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife.  Remind him that you are his wife, and to the best of your power, and within reason,  you want to do the things that will please him, but at the end of the day, you are who you are, the woman God made you to be.  You’re not his mom, you’re not trying to be her, and although you honor who she is in his life, you’re his WIFE!

Mark

Remember the old Aretha Franklin song about a woman needing respect from the guy in her relationship?  Actually, the real history of the song is a little different.  Turns out it wasn’t written by Aretha;  Otis Redding wrote and released it first, as the plea of a man for respect from a woman. (Check out the Wikipedia article on the song.)

Last week in Love Songs, my talk was on a man’s need for respect from a woman, and in each of the services I read a list that I compiled from a meeting with twelve NewSpring guys.  The list was the responses from two questions I asked them. What makes you feel respected? What makes you feel disrespected?  I went through the answers so fast that a number of you asked if I would give them again, so here they are.

What makes you feel respected?

1. Appreciation
2. Pleasant tone of voice
3. Comments of praise (especially made about him to others)
4. The feeling that he can be himself around her
5. When she goes out of her way to please him
6. Physical touch
7. The words, “I’m proud of you.”

What makes you feel disrespected?

1. The feeling of not being needed
2. Being down on her priority list
3. Being talked down to
4. Being criticized by someone and she doesn’t defend
5. Trying hard to please her but nothing seems to
6. Dishonesty

This weekend we’re talking about The Climb, the challenge of making marriage work for a lifetime. I can’t wait to get started.

Mark